a few minutes ago
So as you may have noticed, the past few weeks haven’t been easy for me. I could write a novel on my feels, but I’ll save that for when I finally get my shit together with that blog…for now, here’s a condensed version of what’s been happening.
My life started improving tenfold and became so much busier, more productive and fulfilled because I threw myself into my work and social life. I relaxed with my training and diet, and in doing so, FINALLY managed to put on the weight I’ve been chasing and “wanting” for so long.
Plot twist: I still didn’t ‘want’ that weight gain whatsoever, and was completely disillusioned by the comfort of the safe weight I was stuck at. Finally seeing my weight hit an all time high since the start of my eating disorder hit me like a ton of bricks.
All of a sudden, my body dysmorphia, anxiety and urges to restrict crept back into my life.
I’ve put on my brave face, but it got to the point where I was crying every single day and beating myself up relentlessly.
I have been feeling absolutely repulsed by my body, ashamed of how I’ve ‘let myself go’, and have been making myself sick with stress this past week.
Eating wise, I started to cut down my carbs a little, and also began picking at food more because my body felt deprived and restricted. This cycle has left me feeling guilty, frustrated and unhappy with the food I’ve worked so hard to empower myself with.
Training wise, I started to do more cardio to help ‘ease my anxiety’. I still can’t tell whether cardio was genuinely making me feel better in that moment from the endorphins, or if it was simply making me feel more in control because it was ‘burning more calories’. In either case, the short-term high of a sneaky dose of cardio wore out pretty quick and I've been left feeling flat and on-edge.
I’m not going to call this incident a relapse, because I’ve caught myself pretty quickly this time. It’s just been a little lapse, and a huge wake-up call.
I’ve definitely got things I’m changing up (I’ll cover that in a separate post!) and I AM seeking professional help again (..more on that too), but for now, I’m just putting all the love and confidence back into myself 💕✌🏻