8 hours ago
. . .
Life is more than the highlight reel. Today has been hard. It was seven weeks ago yesterday my sister died by suicide. Seven weeks ago this morning at 7am I found out. That is a vial of her ashes I’m wearing around my neck—all that’s left of her physical being. Dust. I do not feel pretty in this photo. I don’t even feel whole. I feel like a shell.. hazy, not solid, just as the light makes me appear. As though I’m walking through fog and can’t quite see, though somehow everything is simultaneously vivid AF. I’ve been here, in bed, nearly the entire day. Admittedly, I’ve managed to get some work done, but not without tears. For it was work we’d started together and now she’s not here to help me, and I feel lost so much of the time. Determined to stay healthy, I took myself to the grocery store for fresh food, and tears leaked out there too as The Eagles, one of her favourite bands, came over the sound system. My eyes are sunken from sleepless nights filled with dreams (and nightmares) about her. And, when I wake up each morning and remember she’s dead, I get punched in the gut all over again, and I have to catch my breath before I can face the day. There are pieces of her all over my life so that in every moment of every day there is another inescapable reminder. There is so much to reconcile I don’t know where to begin. So, I focus on tasks and pray the pain will subside soon, though I feel guilty for wanting it to.. afraid I’ll forget the sound of her voice, her laugh, her peculiarities. When I don’t have tasks to focus on or Jaz to ground me in the here-and-now, I float aimlessly and cannot find my footing. There is an ache in my chest such as I’ve never known before. Only faith (built upon experience) allows me to believe that somehow, some way, some day.. I might feel whole and fully alive again and the weight of the grief might lift. This is the aftermath of suicide. It fucking hurts.💔
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#suicidehurts #suicidesucks #theaftermath #wetheliving #wetheleftbehind #grief #grieving #thewavesofgrief #pain #inprocess #movingthrough #thisisnotthehighlightreel #insidestories #thesearemyinsidestories #iloveyourguts